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Bella Swan
15 July 2008 @ 03:53 am
she can wait if she wants [she's ahead of her time]  
{How do you resolve issues?}

I had wondered before if Alice had based her sleepover tactics off of an old sitcom. Now I knew she had.

"A séance?" I couldn't stop my voice from breaking. Alice wanted to have a séance. Luckily I wasn't the only one in the room that thought this was ridiculous, Rosalie was looking at Alice with something like disgust.

It reminded me of the way Edward used to look at her.

"That's ridiculous, Alice," Rosalie snapped before stalking out of the room, her lovely golden hair swishing behind her.

Alice didn't look one bit upset, grinning at me like the Cheshire cat. "She'll be back," she told me with a decisive nod. The smile was worrying me, which was a reasonable response to any expression of Alice's. Her ideas of a good time were far from normal.

But Alice will be Alice and it was a well-known fact that I had little to no willpower against her.

I sighed heavily and looked back at Edward for some kind of help as his hyperactive sister bounced out of the room to give us some privacy. He raised his hands in innocence, effectively leaving me to fend for myself against Alice.

"I'd like to remind you that you offered to partake in this sleepover and I am not holding you against your will or kidnapping you." He leaned down to brush a kiss across my cheek and I felt the electricity crackle around me. One day, I was sure, I'd be able to be in the same room with him and be able to maintain some semblance of self-control.

I glared at him and the corner of his mouth lifted up in a smile he knew better than to let out. "Your sister wants to have a séance," I hissed at him, stepping forward as he backed away. "A séance where she wants to contact the dead. A séance where she wants to contact the dead with me." I put my hands on my hips and glared harder at him, hoping to maybe wipe the amusement off of his face. "Can you actually tell me that is a good idea?"

That caused him a moment of pause, but then he nodded. "You'll be absolutely fine, Bella." My irrational fear was still just amusing him. I folded my arms across my chest, glowering.

He leaned down again, smiling, and pressed his ice-cold lips gently against mine, his breath somehow warm and dizzying as it slipped between my lips. Stupid conniving... um... vampire.

I went down faster than a house of cards in a hurricane. "Hurry back. If I'm being murdered by the specter of a homicidal ghost --" The redundancy of that sentence was all his fault. "-- I'm blaming you."

"Are you going to haunt me?" he asked with a smirk crossing his lips.

I shook my head slowly; getting my bearing back now that his lips weren't pressed to mine. "No I think I'll run away with another ghost and leave you to suffer."

"Of course, Bella." He dipped his head, laughing, to kiss me again and then loped off, jumping into the jeep with Emmett, Carlisle and Esme in one graceful movement that nearly broke my heart.

"Bag a grizzly for me," I whispered, pressing my palm against the plate glass wall as I watched them drive off to hunt. I was surprised that Jasper wasn't going with them, but when I'd first come in his eyes were the brightest shade of gold I'd ever seen. With a chuckle, he'd told me he wasn't hungry.

I was also surprised that Esme was going. Somehow, even after watching her spar with Jasper and Edward, I couldn't picture her hunting. Perhaps her dinner of choice would be deer. Edward wasn't partial to it, but it seemed to fit Esme, common but extraordinarily graceful. The fact that I always thought of Bambi's mother when I thought of deer might have had something to do with it.

Still, it was odd to me. I knew she had to, but I couldn't see it, not the way I could see the rest of them hunting.

"Ready?"

Alice's voice made me jump a foot into the air and I had to bite down on my knuckles to keep from shrieking. "Alice, could you please stop sneaking up on me?" I turned away from the window to see her standing in the doorway with her arms full of candles of varying shapes and sizes.

Which meant she was entirely serious about this séance.

I know Edward had reminded me that I'd decided this night on my own and that I wasn't being held against my will, but it suddenly felt like I was. I was stuck, albeit voluntarily, with Alice, Rosalie and Jasper for a weekend of playing ghost hunter.

And I'd probably get a pedicure per Alice's insistence that it was mandatory at all sleepovers, ever.

I could leave, I reminded myself. I had my car -- the mere thought of it set my teeth on edge -- and I was fairly certain Rosalie hadn't fiddled with anything to stop me from leaving, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Alice's expression if I told her I was leaving would have broken my heart enough to stay. It was a sad and pathetic truth I was sure she flaunted with delight.

"Alice, I'm not sure this is--"

"Don't be ridiculous," she interrupted, pushing some of the candles into my hands. "This is a great idea! We can even do it here!"

She seemed to think that was some kind of compromise, letting me stay in the comforts of Edward's room where I felt safe while she tried to speak to the dead. I was sure I wouldn't want to sleep there if her idea worked, but I was also sure bringing that up would be a moot point, and probably ignored.

"Go set those up in a circle," she instructed, passing me the candles as I made a circle. She gleefully corrected every position I put them in and I half wanted to tell her to just do it herself.

I didn't. I thought I should have been proud of my self-control. Mostly I was just annoyed.

I tried again, hoping the way I was pouting and the thoroughly despondent look on my face would affect her the same way it did Edward. "Alice," I wheedled, sticking my bottom lip out further. It quivered a little.

She laughed at me, rolled her eyes and bounced out of the room, calling for Rosalie and Jasper.

I was starting to hate Alice Cullen.

Rosalie sauntered in first, settling down gracefully on the couch next to me. I looked up sullenly and she patted my head. "Alice will be Alice," she murmured reassuringly. I was surprised when I actually felt reassured. Perhaps Rosalie and I were warming up to each other.

Then Jasper walked in, smiling, and I scowled at him. I couldn't trust my emotions when he was around. I felt far from reassured. He just kept smiling as he sat neatly on the floor inside Alice's circle, looking up slowly when she tripped in a moment later.

She flipped the lights off and flopped down next to Jasper. At least, I assumed she did as the moonless night left no light to filter through the windows and I only saw Alice once all the candles were lit.

She patted her floor next to her and smiled charmingly at me. I was not charmed, but I followed obediently and sat next to her, folding my legs underneath myself. Rosalie followed after a glower from Alice and sat next to me. It was an odd circle we made. Jasper and I were across from each other and Rosalie and Alice were across from each other.

I figured I was safest right now than any other way without Edward. Rosalie wouldn't let anything happen to me, to keep Jasper from temptation, and Alice wouldn't let anything happen to me because Edward would take away her Porsche.

Jasper... well, if he killed me now then I could hardly make him look like a saint once I was a vampire. All those extra homicides I was going to throw in for him would be for naught. And Edward would probably take away Alice's Porsche.

I felt cold fingers wind around mine and I looked down to see Alice's hand clasped in mine. "Bella, hold Rosalie's hand."

We both hesitated.

Alice laughed softly, the sound a little impatient. "She won't bite you, Bella." Rosalie sneered a little, but took my hand gently. I couldn't tell why she was as against this as I was, but it dashed away all of the reassurance she'd given me moments ago.

I looked warily around the circle. I was safe, I knew that. Even with candles surrounding me and the chance of the house going up in flames increasing with every breath I took, I was safe. And still my teeth were clamped so tightly together I was risking emergency dentistry if I broke a tooth.

Sitting up straighter, Alice took a breath and closed her eyes. She stilled perceptibly, slipping into the trance I'd come to connect with her visions. "Our beloved spirit, we bring you gifts from life into death. Commune with us and move among us."

I tensed, waiting for something. Anything. Yet there was nothing. Alice opened her eyes and gave me a Look. "Bella, could you please try and be open minded?"

I nodded mutely.

"Our beloved spirit, we bring you gifts from life into death. Commune with us and move among us." Alice's voice was soft, loud enough for my ears to hear but still quiet. Eerily quiet. There was nothing so she tried once more.

I felt a trickle of cold down my back, subtle at first but then increasing until I felt a pressure on my chest. I looked up to silently accuse Jasper, but he had his eyes fixed on Alice, staring blankly ahead, looking past Rosalie into darkness.

"A-A-Alice?"

Her lips curved up into a wicked smile and out of the corner of my eye I saw Rosalie frown. "Alice isn't here right now," she sing-songed gravely, not looking away from the nothingness. I could feel the way my breathing was growing shallower, coming in faster and shorter pants.

Rosalie ripped her hand from mine and stood up quickly, reaching down to steady me as the force threatened to knock me sideways. "Alice, this isn't funny. Stop it now before you scare her to death." The look on her face reminded me that she wasn't just the most beautiful woman in the world, she was a vampire, and absolutely terrifying.

For a moment I didn't understand, and then it clicked into place with astounding clarity. "You..." I stood up nearly as fast as Rosalie, stumbling into her and feeling her steady me. Already the feeling of pressure was disappearing, being replaced by a hazy calm. I didn't want to be calm. I wanted to be angry.

Alice pouted at me but I didn't care. "That wasn't funny," I finally managed to grind out, conscious and thankful for Rosalie's hand on my back. How odd that I should be siding with her for once.

I closed my eyes, trying to steady out my emotions against Jasper's calm. "Alice. I am no where near my happy place. Please leave me alone for a while."

Still pouting, she unfolded from the floor, crossing her arms across her chest. Jasper, I noted, quickly extinguished the candles, leaving us again in darkness before he flipped the light on. He put his hand on Alice's arm and she pouted at me harder before letting him pull her out of the room.

I sighed heavily and felt Rosalie's hand smooth down my hair. "That was mean," I marveled. I couldn't quite understand it, not fully. I'm sure it would have been funny if it were anyone but me.

"Alice doesn't remember being human," Rosalie tried to explain, her voice tinged with the disgust I'd seen earlier. "She doesn't believe in ghosts."

I crossed my arms across my chest, hugging myself, moving my feet forward as Rosalie nudged me towards Edward's bed. "Get some rest, Bella. Let Edward deal with Alice." She seemed encouraged by the idea so I nodded in my agreement as I burrowed under the rich blankets.

"I hope he threatens her car."

Rosalie laughed quietly as she backed towards the door. "For once, Bella, we agree on something."
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How close I am to hyperventilating: anxious
 
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Bella Swan
29 June 2008 @ 08:09 am
i might not make it through the night [i won't go home without you]  
{Only after disaster can we be resurrected. -- Tyler Durden; Fight Club}

Jasper's voice was calm from behind me. "Only after disaster can we be resurrected."

I turned to blink at him. I'm sure my expression so eloquently read, 'huh?'.

He shrugged. "Fight Club. You were looking pessimistic."

It was my turn to shrug, though I had to admit I was surprised. Somehow little things like that -- watching Brad Pitt movies and the fact that vampires played baseball -- always seemed to amaze me. But then again, I was the girl in love with a mythical creature.

Also the girl whose best friend was a different mythical creature.

And the girl who wanted to be a part of the previously mentioned mythical creature's forever.

I managed to keep my asinine thoughts to myself, but I saw Jasper's mouth twitch into a minute smile. "So what you're saying is that I should have been resurrected... when I was born?"

He barked out a laugh that reminded me, painfully, of Jacob's wolf-like laughter and I felt a pang in my heart. A pang, I noticed with gratitude, that Jasper ignored completely. "Probably. But then again..."

"Then again?"

"Say it's a scale of one to ten."

I blinked again. "My life is a scale of one to ten? Oh this should be interesting."

He laughed again and rolled his eyes at me. I was happy with how easily we seemed to talk now. So long as I didn't inflict bloodshed on myself. "Do you think I could finish without being interrupted?" he chastised, not looking in any way scolding, just amused.

"Probably not."

"Fair warning."

"Go on," I said. "Please." It was tacked on as an after thought and maybe a sign that I would try not to interrupt him. Try being the operative word. In any case, I would try hard. No half-assed trying from this girl.

"When people ask about pain, they ask about it on a scale of one to ten. You of all people should know that." He flashed me a vaguely patronizing smile and I scowled at him. "One is being a paper cut or a scrape, ten being the worst pain imaginable."

He paused like he expected me to interrupt but I stayed silent. I was biting my tongue with the effort though.

"How do you know what the worst pain imaginable is? Perhaps this time it's a ten, but next time it hurts worse. There's no eleven. This isn't Spinal Tap." I snorted at the reference and was awarded a bright smile. "If you think about it like that, then how do you know what a ten is in terms of disaster."

I knew. Without Edward there would be nothing.

But, oh, Jasper had a point.

Edward came back to me and I thought my heart would break all over again at just the thought of him leaving me again. I never had to feel that though, Edward spared me.

And then there was Jacob. A piece of my heart shattered over that, but it could have been worse. We could have lost Jacob in the fight. I could have never been able to say goodbye.

"It can always be worse, can't it?"

He shrugged lazily, his work was through, his point had been made. "That seems to be the moral of the story."

"Stories with morals never seem to end well," I mused, frowning to myself in thought. "The ugly stepsisters get their eyes poked out, or Juliet kills herself." I sighed softly, remembering. "The bear will be gentle and the wolf will be tame, and the lion shall lay down with the lamb."

He looked at me curiously.

"They all die in the end. There's no resurrection, it just ends."

He nodded slowly, accepting my answer. "Tricky thing about forever though. It never ends." He patted my shoulder reassuringly and edged back into the house, leaving me to struggle with the bundle of thoughts now racing through my head.

I reminded myself to thank him for that later. Jerk.

The reminder was lost however as Edward appeared beside me, silent as always and sending the thoughts flying out of my head like fallen leaves before a storm in autumn. I didn't know if it was possible to keep my head in his presence, at least when he snuck up on me.

"Nice chat with Jasper?" he asked, his voice a low murmur against my throat.

I concentrated on breathing. My answer was slow in coming. "Mhmm."

I felt the rumble of laughter along my skin. It was enough to make my heart try to leap out of my chest. "I'm surprised you didn't bring up Titanic. They all died in the end."

I shook my head firmly. "Rose lived. It couldn't be worse than that."
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How close I am to hyperventilating: pessimistic
 
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Bella Swan
25 June 2008 @ 05:34 am
Wonder how you sleep [I wonder what you think of me]  
{My partner will always have to understand that I...}

He'd never say it, but I think Edward resents me. Not because I'm human and perpetually whining about it, but because of Jacob.

Edward is never going to forgive himself for leaving me, I understand that. But he has to understand that his leaving is what pushed me and Jacob together.

When Edward was gone, Jacob was my sun. He was what kept me breathing, what kept me going, he was the person who held me when I cried, who picked me up and put me back on the bike, who made me laugh when it felt like my entire world was crumbling down and ripping at the seems. Jacob saved me. He kept me whole for Edward.

I love Jacob. I hate it, but that doesn't change anything. A part of me loves Jacob, the one who made me laugh and smile, not the one who made me cry or the one who broke my hand. My Jacob is the one I love. And I always will because h has a piece of my heart.

But so does Charlie and Renee and Billy and the Cullens.

My heart belongs to Edward. It's his to keep, forever. I would die without Edward and I would die to keep him. I cannot live without him and the very idea of the Volturi makes me sick to my stomach because I know what he would have done.

I couldn't bear to keep living knowing that Edward was gone.

I think he understands that now though. I'm not just Bella anymore, I'm one half of Bella and Edward and without Edward, Bella ceases to be.

I don't know if he'll ever understand about Jacob though. I don't even understand. But if we were in a different place, a different world where Edward didn't exist, where there wasn't magic and vampires and werewolves, then yes I would love him.

But we're not ever going to be in that world.

I don't know if I believe in the idea soul mates. But I believe in Edward and I. I believe in forever.
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How close I am to hyperventilating: exhausted
 
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Bella Swan
25 June 2008 @ 05:19 am
some will win and some will lose [some are meant to sing the blues]  
{What do you have to offer a partner?}

A distinct increase in bloodshed?

You see I'm kind of what you would call accident-prone. Edward likes to tell me I'm a magnet for danger. Emmett likes to call me a walking disaster. Rosalie just laughs and looks perfect as always.

Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong -- at the worst possible moment. See: BELLA SWAN

That is the sad pathetic truth. I am the epitome of clumsy. I trip over perfectly flat surfaces. I hyperventilate at least once a day. I fall down a lot. I attract danger like porch lamps attract moths. I get paper cuts in rooms filled with vampires. I break things, usually glass and priceless family heirlooms and I usually hurt myself in the process. I crash things. I punched a werewolf and hurt myself.

I should have permanent brain damage, but the wiring in my brain is a little off as is. I am a menace to society and I'm only human.

That's what I bring to the table. Blood and daily amusement at my own expense. At least I never have to take gym again, small miracle.
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How close I am to hyperventilating: moody
 
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Bella Swan
25 June 2008 @ 05:00 am
the truth it fell so heavy [like a hammer through the room]  
{Ready}

I don't think he's ever going to believe that I'm ready. Even after we're married -- which we're doing now at my insistence -- I don't think he'll really believe it.

There is forever and then there is forever. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and it could all be over in a flash and there would be nothing. My forever would be from now until when I wake up in the morning and go to start my truck.

Edward's forever could be, well, forever. He can't die, unless someone stronger or more clever (his words, not mine) kills him. And that would be if they got past Emmett and Jasper and Alice, Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme. Or if Edward had gotten away from them.

He did once, like a giant buttheaded jerk, but even that didn't work because if he really thinks he's going to outsmart Alice he's insane.

Edward isn't like regular boys. Not just because he's pushing a century and not just because he's a vampire. If he was still in World War One I'm sure he'd be perfectly normal, but even that is pushing it. We live in a time where the divorce rate is 50%. That means half the people that get married end up getting divorced. My parents were part of that 50%.

Edward doesn't believe in that. He loves with his whole entire being and I'm still amazed that he picked me. I probably always will be. I'm just Bella and he's... Edward.

But I'm ready for that. I'm ready to keep questioning his sanity for the next century or forever and a day. I'm ready to marry him in a church in Alice's dress, even if Jacob's not there. I'm ready to be his wife.

I'm ready and it's not because I'm scared anymore.

I'm absolutely terrified, but I wouldn't be sane if I wasn't. That's why I know I'm ready.
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How close I am to hyperventilating: hopeful
 
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Bella Swan
20 June 2008 @ 06:00 am
there is no one else around [there is no one else around]  
Maybe it's just me and my abysmal math skills, but isn't 30% below average? At least this internet quiz is better attuned to my sex appeal than Edward is. See? You lose.

You Are 30% Sexy


Your Sex Appeal Is: Average


You're about as sexy as the average person on the street.

There's no secret to gaining more sex appeal - you just need to be a bit bolder!

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How close I am to hyperventilating: lazy
 
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Bella Swan
16 June 2008 @ 02:51 pm
smoke baby smoke baby [more alcohol baby]  
{Temperance}

My stomach was heaving. Even with Jasper trying to calm me down, I felt like I was standing on the side of a sailboat in the middle of a storm instead of sitting on the couch in the Cullen's living room.

It was pathetic and I was nearly hyperventilating, but Jasper's emotional whammy must have worked because I was still breathing. I was also still in the right frame of mind to notice that Jasper was still in the room while everyone else save for Edward and Carlisle had vanished.

I moaned piteously and I saw Edward shoot Jasper another look before I felt a wave of something distinctly warm and fuzzy wash over me.

"You're fine, Bella," I heard Carlisle reassure me gently, his cool hands moving effortlessly across the gash on my forehead. I knew I was fine and I would have told him so if it weren't for the fact that I was sure opening my mouth would be a bad idea.

I felt like I was being surrounded by the smell, tangy and rusty, salt and pennies. It was making my head spin and my stomach twist up in knots. I really just wanted it to stop, immediately. Even the smell of Carlisle's antiseptic wasn't doing anything to help and I moaned again. I could tell by the set in his jaw that he was worried.

This wasn't the first head wound I'd gotten, not by a long shot. By all accounts I should have had permanent brain damage for the number of times my face had hit the floor, or a rock, or the mailbox when I was six and trying to ride my bike without training wheels. I had to wear a mouth guard when I was a kid.

But none of them had bled this much. Being around the Cullens, oddly enough, had decreased my yearly injury rate. Probably because someone was always there to catch me before my face got friendly with the edge of the coffee table.

Not today!

"Make it stop," I mumbled. I was being a baby, but the smell was killing me. I was crying and shaking and I could feel the bile rising in my throat. I was about to scream.

Edward touched his forehead to my temple and hummed quietly. It was my lullaby and that, added to Jasper's warm and fuzzies, almost made it all right. I just wished Carlisle would hurry up.

The second his fingers left my forehead; I felt a rush of cold air and found myself on the porch, my fingers clutching the railing so tightly they were going white, Edward's arms wrapped around my waist to steady me.

The world stopped spinning so quickly and started to make sense, blurry greens and browns turning into trees, mushy greens turning into mushy rain soaked grass, a shock of bright yellow turning into Jasper's blond hair.

"Hey... you stayed?"

He grinned at me, his smile lopsided and goofy and proud. "I wanted to make up for last time." He ducked his head sheepishly and I wanted to hug him.

"Thanks Jasper." I meant it too, that was big of him. And he did it for me. Half the time I didn't even know if he liked me, now I was pretty sure he did.

"You okay? You felt like you were going to die in there."

I wrinkled my nose a little and took deep breaths, trying to remind myself that I was outside and free of the stench of blood. Thankfully, Edward answered for me. "It was the blood. The smell makes her sick."

Jasper looked incredulous. And for a second like he was going to laugh. I expect Edward told him not to, but I could see the smile tugging at his lips. "The smell of blood?"

I nodded pathetically.

The three of us were silent for a while -- Jasper perched lazily on the railing, Edward rubbing slow circles across my back -- until Jasper piped up again.

"So you--"

"Jasper." I could imagine the warning on Edward's face but Jasper help up his hands in innocence.

"Just trying to figure this out." After a moment, and probably a concession on Edward's part, he started again. "So you can't stand the smell of blood?"

"Nope." I was trying to figure out why he was so interested when it suddenly clicked, glaringly obvious. "Oh holy crow."

Edward still hadn't caught on as Jasper started to laugh, looking at me apologetically. I couldn't blame him it was pretty ridiculous that no one had thought of it before.

"You're lactose intolerant," he snorted through laughs.

I buried my head against Edward. "The vampire that can't stand blood."
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How close I am to hyperventilating: cynical
 
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Bella Swan
13 June 2008 @ 01:24 am
let's be more than [let's be more than this now]  
{Roleplay with Edward}

Leaving the window open was second nature by now. Bella had to actively think when she wanted to shut it, which was so rare it was almost never. Even the days when she was being kidnapped and held hostage, against or not against her will, she tended to leave it open.

She liked it open. And it was a heck of a lot safer than putting a candle in the window. With her luck she'd burn the whole place to the ground and Emmett would laugh at her.

Which is why she was so aggravated for having to shut the window against Forks' lovely rain that was now falling sideways and into her room. It wasn't until she slipped on the wet patch and hit her face on the window ledge that she'd even noticed.

Stupid rain.

She'd still left it open a crack, piling towels on the floor to keep the house from flooding -- again, with her luck it could happen. At least the rain was warm, she reminded herself, as she tugged a blanket around her shoulders and picked up her book. Small miracles.
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How close I am to hyperventilating: warm
 
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Bella Swan
11 June 2008 @ 11:54 pm
then things they got complicated [my innocence is all but faded]  
{Doubt}

His mouth was pressed cold and hard against my ribs when he suddenly became perfectly still, an Edward statue. I cringed inwardly, what exactly had I done now? I was being positively angelic! And then I heard the footsteps on the stairs.

Charlie.

"Quick," I hissed through my teeth. "Closet."

Maybe it was because he was so inhumanly quick, but Edward looked up and me and raised an eyebrow. His eyes swept the disaster area that was my closet as his eyebrow arched higher (I swore I was going to figure out how to look so dubious and bored at the same time if it killed me). He was out the window without even a fluttering of the curtains.

Stupid vampire and his stupid vampire speed.

Charlie pushed the door open and poked his head in, looking around the room like he actually expected to find Edward lounging in one of the corners. As if I really wanted to be on house arrest again. Thanks for the vote of intellectual confidence, Charlie, thanks a bunch.

Finally, he actually looked at me. There I was in my pajamas, curled up under the covers with a book open in my lap, lounging against the headboard looking like I was just reading, not kissing the boy he'd nearly banned from the house.

"What's up, Charlie?" I closed the book against my fingers, feigning marking my page.

He frowned, thinking, trying to come up with a valid reason for the late night visit to his adult daughter's room to check on her. "I thought I heard voices."

I raised the book a little, showing him the cover of Cold Mountain. "Just reading out loud." It was a little scary how easily I was starting to lie, or rather, how easily I was starting to bend the truth.

Fact of the matter was, I was reading out loud. I just happened to be reading a specific part while Edward listened. Very carefully. Naturally the very thought of that caused a blush to stage a small but hostile takeover of my cheeks. Luckily the lamp on my nightstand put me in a shadow. I suddenly had a deep affection for shadows.

It took Charlie a good ten minutes to nod and accept my story. "Alright. Night Bells."

"Night Charlie," I called after him as he closed the door. I listened to his retreating footsteps and kept my eyes on the door until a familiar weight settled next to me, cold palm flat against my stomach. I jumped.

"What was so wrong with my suggestion?" I snapped immediately once my nerves had calmed down from the Edward Aftershock.

He gave me one of his most charming smiles, but the look in his eyes was bordering on condescending amusement. "Bella, it looks as if there was an explosion within your laundry basket. I wasn't brave enough to attempt to survive in there. I could have suffocated under a fallen tower of gym shorts."

I glared at him, crossing my arms over my chest. "You don't need to breathe," I reminded him.

"Which would make my sudden death all the more tragic. 'Boy, Seventeen, Killed by Dirty Laundry', full story at eleven."

"It's not dirty!"

He laughed softly before pressing cold lips against mine, one hand firmly pressing my shoulders against the pillow so I wouldn't try to maul him as was inevitable. He was letting me have the last word and I was slightly mollified.

But only slightly.

"Now," he breathed against my cheek. "Where were we?"
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How close I am to hyperventilating: mischievous
 
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Bella Swan
08 June 2008 @ 12:00 am
i might not make it through the night [i won't go home without you]  
Only I can cut myself with safety scissors.
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How close I am to hyperventilating: annoyed
 
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Bella Swan
07 June 2008 @ 01:15 am
And hes frowning like hell [but I'm not feeling guilty]  
{Decisions}

"Bella..." I could hear the warning in his voice and I ignored it as I embraced it, wrapping it tightly around my bruised heart.

I smiled to myself and pressed my knees tighter to the motorcycle. I'd promised Jacob I'd be careful, but then I'd heard the velvet of Edward's voice in my ears. It'd been missing since I'd mastered the break and now it was back.

"Bella, you're being ridiculous," the voice told me, annoyance tingeing the words. I could almost see the way his eyes would flash a little darker and his lovely crooked smile would slip to a frown.

The engine of my truck grew louder as Jacob followed, closer and closer. He was following me in case I go hurt, something I rarely did for him, but didn't mind all the same as the probability that I would inevitably wind up injured was much higher than his odds.

Taking a breath, a deep, stinging breath, I eased on the clutch, smiling as the motorcycle spurred forward. If I closed my eyes I was sure that I'd feel like I was clinging to Edward's shoulders as he ran through the woods.

I shut my eyes and lifted my chin, letting the wind whip through my hair. "Don't be so melodramatic," I whispered, the words getting lost in the air and the speed and dissolving in my tire tracks.

My fingers released their pressure on the clutch and the motorcycle started to tremble underneath me. "Crap!" That was definitely not what I was meaning to do and I tried to steady the motorcycle, overcompensating with the clutch and the break.

The bike slid out from under me and for once in my life I managed to stay standing, nearly. The motorcycle skidded away from me and stalled, shivering and shaking a few feet away from me. I was crouched on the road, my palms pressed into gravel and I heard Edward's angry sigh ruffle through my hair as I stood up.

Jacob ran over to me and stopped an arm's length away. "Bella?"

I was laughing and I put the back of my bloody hand to my face to cover it up. The look on Jacob's face made it plain that he thought I was insane and maybe I was -- I was after all, hearing voices in my head.

Even if I was insane, Jacob was laughing too, which meant if I pleaded insanity he'd have to as well. You had to be at least partially insane to let me ride a motorcycle in the first place.
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How close I am to hyperventilating: excited
 
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Bella Swan
06 June 2008 @ 11:59 pm
For all that's to come [And all that's ever been]  
{Introduction}

My name is Bella Swan and I am eighteen years old and not the safest person in the world. Anything that can happen? Will happen.

Point in case. Crazy serial killing stalker leaves town only for me to be nearly mauled by big, giant, once-thought-to-be-bears wolves. And I scraped my palms. All in the span of a weekend.

I'm a magnet for trouble, just ask anyone that knows me. Just ask anyone in Folks, Washington, come to think of it. They all know.

Oh and my boyfriend is impossible, to put it mildly. And delusionally.
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How close I am to hyperventilating: bored
 
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Bella Swan
06 June 2008 @ 05:07 pm
The only times of my life [The sun was meant to shine for me]  
{Chastity}

I was reasonably sure I was going to die a virgin. And ninety nine percent sure I'd be okay with because I knew it meant I'd still have Edward. I'd thought of it once during a filmstrip on butterflies in Biology, suddenly grateful Edward couldn't get into my mind because that was something I really didn't want him laughing at me about.

It had been hard enough to explain why my blood was racing and why I was blushing as red as Rosalie's convertible. I didn't think 'Oh and when you've finally got the blood lust under control can we have sex' was proper lunch conversation.

Ironically that was the day he deemed to be late to one of our midnight encounters. Nice of him really, to stir up all that... lust and then leave me to stew in it. The faintest rumble of thunder from the mountains kept me occupied while I read Pride and Prejudice and tried not to think of Elizabeth and Mr Darcy. Why did Jane Austen never write what went on after the wedding?

I threw the book aside in frustration and looked up in surprise when I didn't hear it hit the wall and tumble to the floor with the flutter of much loved pages.

Edward was standing in front of my window, smiling that perfectly crooked smile of his and dangling Pride and Prejudice between his fingers. I tried to glare at him, he was late and I was frustrated, but it ended up more like a pout. The mud on his shoes and the grass stains at the bottom of his pants made me think twice. It was thundering out and after a moment I smiled.

"Who won?"

"Alice and I, of course," he answered, quite pleased with himself at the moment. "She tackled Jasper at home plate."

I laughed; the image of tiny little Alice tackling Jasper -- who would never hurt her in any manner -- was funny. Alice and Jasper were perfect for each other, just like everyone in the Cullen family was perfect, for each other and otherwise. Emmett and Rosalie never failed to surprise me with the adoration they shared and Carlisle and Esme were just... perfect.

(I was notably missing from the Cullen family. A fact I brought up to Edward with increasing frequency.)

"Of course," I echoed, rolling my eyes at his swagger. I was still not in the mood to be anything but aggravated because I'd found that it was easier to think when I was aggravated. I didn't get distracted by Edward's golden eyes or the way his hair fell into his eyes because of the rain, or the way he smelled, or the way his skin shone a little in the moonlight.

There was no use. I was done for.

In the next instant he was sitting on my bed, cold skin inches from mine and it wasn't fair how much I wanted to touch him. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and focused on breathing. It also wasn't fair how he could push me into hyperventilation just by being. I really didn't need help hurting myself, but whenever he was in close proximity all was lost. I was a walking time bomb of ER visits coiled up inside my skin. Luckily, he had an uncanny way of saving me.

His fingers on my face shocked me into quiet breathing, my eyes reached towards his as my heart beat raced even faster and then calmed when he trailed his thumb down my jaw. Damn him and his perfect everything. Maybe I wanted to hyperventilate.

"Bella," he murmured in confusion, fear and worry laced through the letters of my name.

I looked up at him and pressed down every wayward thought in my mind. The thoughts he couldn't read. "I was just thinking how I don't want to die a virgin," I said calmly, as if I was explaining the properties of hydrogen and sucrose when put over a flame.

His lips lifted into a half smile, more like a smirk but less cocky than usual, as he leaned towards me, pressing his ice cold lips to mine for too short a moment. "Funny," he whispered against my lips, his sweet breath making me dizzy. "I don't want you to die at all."
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How close I am to hyperventilating: annoyed
 
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Bella Swan
05 June 2008 @ 11:25 pm
But that's just his cover [From what is under it]  
{Introduction}

My name is Bella Swan. I am eighteen and getting to know me will endanger your life. In the dictionary next to the word klutz is my picture. Emmett thinks he's just hilarious.
klutz [kluhts]
–noun Slang.
1. a clumsy, awkward person.
2. a stupid or foolish person; blockhead.

See?

My name is Bella Swan and I am also an idiot. But we don't need to get into that right now.
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How close I am to hyperventilating: calm
 
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